Slow down & listen.

“Quit believing this lie: You can be and do anything if you just work hard enough.
And start answering this question: What wants to enter the world through me?
”

I will always be stirred by Parker Palmer’s question, “Is the life I am living, the same as the life that wants to live in me?”

Today I read an NPR article that said, “As pandemic life recedes in the U.S., people are leaving their jobs in search of more money, more flexibility and more happiness…It's leading to a dramatic increase in resignations — a record 4 million people quit their jobs in April alone.”

It’s no surprise that a season like this would shake things up, burn people out, and stir something up in all of us. I haven’t changed jobs – but there are plenty of other areas of my life that seem to be in transition – where I am contending with what was, what is, and what will be.

But just because we are stirred from within, doesn’t automatically mean we will continue to listen to that inner stirring as we move forward. Instead, I think what tends to be louder goes something like this:

“Pick the next shiny and exciting idea and build a brand. Take a million classes, gain certifications, PROVE you are worthy. And then, Hustle, HUSTLE, HUSTLE!”

Hustle has a way of drowning out and covering over our limitations, when limitations are exactly what we need to listen to in order to know who we truly are. We can’t know who we are if we don’t know who we’re not.

Burnout is a sign of not listening to our limitations.

“Though usually regarded as a result of trying to give too much, burnout in my experience results from trying to give what I do not possess….it does not result from giving from all I have: it merely reveals the nothingness from which I was trying to give in the first place…

When the gift I give to the other is integral to my own nature, when it comes from a place of organic reality within me, it will renew itself – and me – even as I give it away.”

– Parker Palmer

And so, when we are stirred to change. When we have hit our max. When we desire something new, something more:

It will serve us to resist the hustle, slow down, and listen to our lives - listen to our limitations, and listen for what it is that actually wants to enter the world through me.

I wonder, how would you answer the question: “What wants to enter the world through me?”

Men and loneliness

“I am lonely.”

 These are words that I (Chad) have a hard time saying but accurately describe my life on different days or in different seasons. Yesterday I woke up feeling lonely so I texted a friend about grabbing a drink. Last month I reached out to an older guy in the city to ask for guidance on walking through midlife - this disorienting and illuminating season that I find myself in. It felt deeply vulnerable to tell these men that I am lonely - like something was broken or wrong with me. But I find it is even more exhausting to put on a false façade, pretending to have my shit together.

Does this resonate with you?

A few years ago the Boston Globe published an article titled The biggest threat facing middle-age men isn’t smoking or obesity. It’s loneliness. The article talks about how many middle-aged men’s lives are centered around work, commuting to work, kids’ activities and helping to manage the household. Men are lucky if they are able to prioritize exercise but what often gets left out is friend time. Men may have friends at work or at the gym but they call those “accidents of proximity”.

Cambridge psychiatrist Dr. Richard Schwartz says in the article that “admitting you’re lonely feels very much like admitting you’re a loser. Psychiatry has worked hard to de-stigmatize things like depression, and to a large part it has been successful. People are comfortable saying they’re depressed. But they’re not comfortable saying they’re lonely, because you’re the kid sitting alone in the cafeteria.”

Once I was hanging with a group of men, where one of them vulnerably shared about telling his wife that he wanted to invite some guys over for a Monday night football game. His wife looked at him with inquisitive eyes and asked, “who would you invite?” All the men in the room felt the weight of the question and didn’t know whether to laugh or cry with our friend. Men are lonely and it feels vulnerable to admit it.

If you lead in a company or organization, you have the added weight of wondering if things you share will be used against you. Is it safe to share honestly with your team or stakeholders in your business? What will people do with the knowledge that your marriage is on the rocks or that you are struggling with a chronic health crisis?

In the fall I will launch another 9-month men’s leadership group. It’s a confidential space to be honest about life and work. A place to be seen for who you are. There are a lot of fantastic opportunities out there to help you grow in work performance and results but this group is focused on leading from your full humanity. We explore the questions of who are you, what do you truly want, and what are the structures necessary to support your growth? If you are interested in learning more, please reach out. I currently have 2 spots left.

The Haunting Questions.

2020 was a year like no other. Among the curses and gifts of this season has been the slowing of life …..the ceasing of so many activities, which has left us with plenty of time to reflect on what is really important to us. We haven’t had our normal busyness to drown out the haunting questions. What do I want? What defines my life? What gives me hope? What is the meaningful life that I am running towards?

These questions are challenging. They force us to face fears and be honest with ourselves - brutally honest. The questions serve as invitations to access our deep desire and they require incredible sacrifice, surrender and courage to live in response to. They both reveal that we never fully arrive in life, and that there are always opportunities to lean into who we were created to be.

I (Chad) had a conversation last week with a successful businessman in Aspen in his 50’s. He has bought and sold one company, has now built a second successful business, and in most people’s eyes, he has “made it”. And yet, there is a desire inside of him that he is hesitant to act on because of the sacrifice and courage it would require. This man reminds me that success and courage are not necessarily the same thing.

Victor Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning is about his experience in concentration camps as a Jewish psychiatrist. Based on his own experience and those of his friends in the camps, Frankl argues that we cannot avoid suffering in life, but we can find meaning in it and move forward with renewed hope and purpose. At the heart of his theory, known as logotherapy, is a conviction that the primary human drive is not for pleasure, success, or power but the pursuit of what we find meaningful.

There is an invitation in this slower season to sit with the questions. What do I truly want in life? What is the courageous life that I am pursuing - the life that will give my suffering meaning? What fear is holding me back? What is in me that I haven’t spoken to anyone?