“I am lonely.”
These are words that I (Chad) have a hard time saying but accurately describe my life on different days or in different seasons. Yesterday I woke up feeling lonely so I texted a friend about grabbing a drink. Last month I reached out to an older guy in the city to ask for guidance on walking through midlife - this disorienting and illuminating season that I find myself in. It felt deeply vulnerable to tell these men that I am lonely - like something was broken or wrong with me. But I find it is even more exhausting to put on a false façade, pretending to have my shit together.
Does this resonate with you?
A few years ago the Boston Globe published an article titled The biggest threat facing middle-age men isn’t smoking or obesity. It’s loneliness. The article talks about how many middle-aged men’s lives are centered around work, commuting to work, kids’ activities and helping to manage the household. Men are lucky if they are able to prioritize exercise but what often gets left out is friend time. Men may have friends at work or at the gym but they call those “accidents of proximity”.
Cambridge psychiatrist Dr. Richard Schwartz says in the article that “admitting you’re lonely feels very much like admitting you’re a loser. Psychiatry has worked hard to de-stigmatize things like depression, and to a large part it has been successful. People are comfortable saying they’re depressed. But they’re not comfortable saying they’re lonely, because you’re the kid sitting alone in the cafeteria.”
Once I was hanging with a group of men, where one of them vulnerably shared about telling his wife that he wanted to invite some guys over for a Monday night football game. His wife looked at him with inquisitive eyes and asked, “who would you invite?” All the men in the room felt the weight of the question and didn’t know whether to laugh or cry with our friend. Men are lonely and it feels vulnerable to admit it.
If you lead in a company or organization, you have the added weight of wondering if things you share will be used against you. Is it safe to share honestly with your team or stakeholders in your business? What will people do with the knowledge that your marriage is on the rocks or that you are struggling with a chronic health crisis?
In the fall I will launch another 9-month men’s leadership group. It’s a confidential space to be honest about life and work. A place to be seen for who you are. There are a lot of fantastic opportunities out there to help you grow in work performance and results but this group is focused on leading from your full humanity. We explore the questions of who are you, what do you truly want, and what are the structures necessary to support your growth? If you are interested in learning more, please reach out. I currently have 2 spots left.